In this series I guess what we are trying to accomplish is learning to acquire a "smart love". Paul prayed that the love of Christians would abound in "real knowledge and all discernment" (Philippians 1:9), "knowledge and depth of insight" (NIV). A modern paraphrase of this verse reads, "Learn to love appropriately". The Bible reminds us that genuine love would never attempt to harm one's neighbor, "Love does no wrong to a neighbor; love therefore is the fulfillment of the law" (Romans 13:10). The world that surrounds us and our children, believes that "love" is primarily for the fulfillment and comfort of self. A "love" that is based on the emotional and physical feelings that another person gives us. In addition, the common belief is that such "love" simply happens or it is an emotion that one can't control, people often talk about "falling in love". But the danger of believing that you "fall in love" is that it also means you can "fall out of love" just as unexpectedly. We need to be thankful that genuine love isn't this unpredictable. True love can be learned, taught, it is something that can be commanded, for it is completely under our control (1 Corinthians 13:4ff; Titus 2:4 "that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands"). One young man wrote, "We need to throw out the misconception that love is some strange 'force' that tosses us around like leaves in the wind against our will. We cannot justify doing what we know is wrong by saying that 'love' grabbed hold of us, and 'made' us behave irresponsibly. That's not love. Instead, it's what the Bible calls in 1 Thess. 4:5 'passionate lust'" (Joshua Harris, p. 65).
Even adults can have a hard time telling the difference between love and lust. Spiritual maturity and time spent in the Word is essential to developing a healthy and correct view of real love (Hebrews 5:14). It is easy to think that our kids can tell the difference, but even men like David and Solomon found themselves at times confused (1 Kings 11:2). Adult Christians need to be reminded of the above distinction (1 Thess. 4:4 "that each of you know now to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God"; "and not for the mere gratification of his passions" (TCNT). And it isn't as if this is an unnecessary lesson, for professed Christians in every age have failed, and failed miserably when it comes to controlling their desires, or treating the opposite sex when dating with pure intentions. Lust is very powerful, even strong and godly men are told to flee from it (2 Timothy 2:22). The following perspective is interesting, because it comes from a religious young man in his early twenties, "This started in junior high school when my peers and I treated dating as a game, a chance to play at love and experiment with relationships…But soon, just saying you were going out with someone wasn't enough. Instead, we began experimenting with the physical side of relationships. Going out with someone came to mean you made out with that person, too…I can only shake my head at how immature we were. The physical intimacy of those junior high relationships had nothing to do with love or real affection…It seemed grown up, but in reality it was lust…In high school…Unfortunately, youth group did little to improve my immature notions about relationships. Even in church we played the dating game with passion-more passion, I regret to say, then we gave to worshipping or listening to sermons. During Sunday morning services we passed notes about who liked whom, who was going out with whom, and who had broken up with whom, Wednesday night youth group meetings served as our own opportunities to play 'Love Connection', a game that resulted in broken hearts littering the foyer" (Joshua Harris, pp. 19-20). All of us need to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 often, for it is very easy to forget what real love looks like in action.
"Like countless Christians, my two friends foolishly viewed purity and impurity as separated by a fixed point. As long as they didn't cross the line and go all the way, they believed they were still pure. True purity, however is a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness. The direction starts in the heart, and we express it in a lifestyle that flees opportunities for compromise" (Harris p. 88). "We cannot simultaneously explore the boundaries of purity and pursue righteousness---they point in opposite directions. True purity flees as fast and as far as it can from sin and compromise" (p. 91). (2 Timothy 2:22; Romans 13:14; Proverbs 7:25 "Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, Do not stray into her paths"; 5:8 "Keep your way far from her"; 6:27 "Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?" Romans 12:9 "Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good"; Matthew 5:6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness"; 5:8 "Blessed are the pure in heart"). If the world views fornication as no big deal, then many professed Christians are guilty of treating lesser expressions of physical intimacy with the same lack of respect. Too many view kissing, holding, or fondling another person as no big deal. "Our culture has programmed us to think that singleness grants us license to fool around, to try out people emotionally and sexually….Until you're married….don't act as if your bodies belong to each other…Physical interaction encourages us to start something we're not supposed to finish, awakening desires we're not allowed to consummate, turning on passions we have to turn off. What foolishness!" (Harris pp. 94,95). "Create in me a clean heart, O God" (Psalm 51:10); "Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord?……He who has clean hands and a pure heart" (Psalm 24:3). Whatever method you use for finding a mate, God expects that method to include a pure heart and wholesome activities.
Protecting Each Other
As noted in previous lessons, we tend to forget that the person we are dating is our neighbor, which requires us to treat them in their best spiritual interest (Romans 13:10). Typically, they are also a brother or sister in Christ, "and the younger women as sisters, in all purity" (1 Timothy 5:2). "Guys, it's time we stood up to defend the honor and righteousness of our sisters. We need to stop acting like 'hunters' trying to catch girls and begin seeing ourselves as warriors standing guard over them….We need to swear off flirtatiousness and refuse to play games and lead them on…I want to be the kind of friend to whom girl's future husbands could one day say, 'Thank you for standing watch over my wife's heart. Thank you for guarding her purity'….Girls, you have an equally important role….Your job is to keep your brothers from being led astray by your charms. Please be aware of how easily your actions and glances can stir up lust in a guy's mind….Now I don't want to dictate your wardrobe, but honestly speaking, I would be blessed if girls considered more than fashion when shopping for clothes…I know many girls who would look great in shorter skirts…and they know it. But they choose to dress modestly. They take the responsibility of guarding their brother's eyes. To these women and others like them, I'm grateful" (Harris pp. 97-99). "and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds" (Hebrews 10:24). We need to realize that we have some responsibility in the maturity, purity and spiritual growth of our brothers and sisters in Christ. If we act selfishly, and place our physical desires ahead of the emotional and spiritual needs of our brother or sister, then we can distract such a person, and completely ruin what God wanted such a person to accomplish while they were single. Instead of helping such a person have a clear understanding of the will of God and the role they need to assume in the church, by our selfishness we can burden them down with confusion, guilt, wasted time and sin. "but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble…"(Matthew 18:6); "Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all defilement of flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God" (2 Corinthians 7:1). And this isn't a straw man, how many professed Christians have completely squandered their teenage and single years?
Turn off the radio, CD player, Television, Phone, Text Messaging, and listen to God's will for the person who isn't married. "One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord…the woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit…to promote what is seemly, and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord" (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). "For a moment, take stock of your current attitude. Are you so caught up in dreaming of marriage, that you're neglecting your present responsibilities as a son, daughter, brother, sister, or friend? Or are you redeeming the time, fulfilling those responsibilities God has given you today? If we aren't faithful and growing in the relationships we have now, we won't be prepared to pursue faithfulness and growth in marriage later" (Harris p. 170). What this means is, if you are failing to be good and faithful son, daughter, friend, brother or sister, then you are going to fail in marriage, for all these relationships are based on the same principles (Matthew 7:12). The person who doesn't have the maturity to help their parents, get along with their parents, place the needs of their parents ahead of their own, isn't ready for marriage! Listen to the following story: "In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were not distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read, 'Girls I Have Liked'….As sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named 'Friends' was next to one marked 'Friends I Have Betrayed'. The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird, "Books I Have Read', 'Lies I Have Told', 'Comfort I Have Given', 'Jokes I Have Laughed At'….'Things I Have Done In Anger', "Things I Have Muttered under My Breath at My Parents'…I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked, 'Songs I Have Listened To', I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented. When I came to a file marked 'Lustful Thoughts', I felt a chill run though my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size….Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore 'People I Have Shared the Gospel With'. The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box no more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand" (Harris pp. 104-106).